crotchetyoldmancallsfandomcom-20200214-history
Carpet Calls 1
Carpet Calls 1 is the sixth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series. It is notable for being the only Crotchety Call with a second part, that being Carpet Calls 2. Transcript (ringback tone) 'Middle-Eastern Man: '''Good afternoon, Carpet ''(censored). 'Milton: '''Oh, thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the idiot that sold me this carpet! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Who is this carpet? '''Milton: '...what?! 'Middle-Eastern Man: '''You wants talk me, too- '''Milton: '''The imbecile that sold me my carpet! I have carpet, I've got a defect! You put it in, I want it fixed in an hour! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''What's your name, please? '''Milton: '''Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E-C-O-W, first name is Milton! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Uh-huh... '''Milton: '''And it's all defective now! I think there's a manufacturer's defect-probably even a recall on the books! My kid Chauncey was playing with Silly Putty and jammed it in the carpet and it won't come out! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Yeah, that should be like that, sir... '''Milton: '''What?! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Give me your name and number and your address... '''Milton: '''My name is Fludgecow! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Fludgecah? '''Milton: '''No! Fludgecow! F-L-U-D-G-E...C-O-W! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Uh-huh... '''Milton: '''Repeat that to me, please! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''I couldn't write it. '''Milton: '''Why not?! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Because you are talking too fast, sir! Can you speak...slowly, please? '''Milton: '''Yes, I can! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Slowly. '''Milton: '''F....... '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Uh-huh... '''Milton: '''L................U...... '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Uh-huh... '''Milton: '''D........ '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Uh-huh... '''Milton: '''G........ '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''G... '''Milton: '''E........ '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''E... '''Milton: '''C........ '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''C... '''Milton: '''O........ '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''O... '''Milton: '''DOUUUUUBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEE-UUUUUUUUUUU! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''And...what is your invoice number? '''Milton: '''What?! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Invoice number! '''Milton: '''I don't know! I discarded that long ago! I got a defect; I want it replaced immediately! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''It doesn't work like that! I have to have your invoice number! '''Milton: '''My invoice number is four! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Four...I don't have such invoice number, sir... '''Milton: '''Well, I don't know my invoice number! All I'm telling you is I have a lifetime guarantee on my carpet! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, we don't have such a thing, sir. '''Milton: '''Oh, yes, you do! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, we don't. '''Milton: '''Oh, yes, you do! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, sir, we don't. '''Milton: '''No, you do! ''(man hangs up) (ringback tone) 'Middle-Eastern Man: '''Hello? '''Milton: '''Yes! I think we accidentally got disconnected! My kid was playing with Silly Putty- it's like a clay; a toy! And it's all smashed up in the carpet...it's all pushed and ground and bashed in the carpet and I can't get it out! So, I went and I got some hedge clippers and I cut the putty out of the carpet and now I've got bald spots and burlap showing and I want you to come out and replace it all under warranty! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''There is no such a warranty for that kind of a thing... '''Milton: '''What?! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''There is no "what, what"! Don't call us anymore! '''Milton: '''Are you the bald idiot that sold me the carpet? '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Get the hell out of here... ''(man hangs up again) (ringback tone) 'Middle-Eastern Man: '''Carpet ''(censored). 'Milton: '''Yes! I think we were accidentally disconnected again- '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, you-we-it wasn't accidentally! I cut by purpose! And don't call, ''(censored)-damn it! Okay?! (man hangs up again) (ringback tone) 'Middle-Eastern Man: '''Carpet ''(censored), may I help you, please? 'Milton: '''Let me speak to Flappy! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Huh? '''Milton: '''Let me speak to Flappy! That was my salesman! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''We don't have Flappy here! You bought your carpet, probably, from ''(censored) Carpet. 'Milton: '''No! From Flappy! At your place! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, we don't have such a place here. '''Milton: '''Yes! Flappy! He's the manager! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, he doesn't-Flappy doesn't work here... '''Milton: '''You're a liar! Flappy runs that place! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''No, Flappy doesn't work here! '''Milton: '''I wanna speak to Flappy! '''Middle-Eastern Man: '''Flappy doesn't work here! ''(man hangs up again) (ringback tone) 'Middle-Eastern Man: '''Leave me alone, you ''(censored) damn it! Okay?! (man hangs up) (ringback tone) Trivia * Silly Putty is a silicone polymer-based toy that was originally made as a rubber substitute. Here, Milton is complaining about the putty's ability to bind to carpet fibers, which it has become somewhat infamous for. Category:Prank calls